But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind

- Rihanna “Love the Way You Lie, Pt. 2″

Even in 2012, people have yet to grasp the complexities involved in domestic violence.  On June 11, 2001, I packed two pairs of underwear, a toothbrush and left my marriage.  Almost 11 years later, I have no regrets.  The most crucial element of this tale is that I left of my own volition.  There was no pressure from anyone else.  Having a newborn daughter and a son who was a toddler, I had every “excuse” to stay.  I had simply arrived at the moment when I knew that life had more in store for me than dodging a fist.

Though domestic violence has many faces, our pop culturally driven society has chosen Rihanna as the face of domestic violence.  She’s recently buried the hatchet, and the prevailing response is, “How could she?!”  The refusal to look at the larger picture frightens me.  The foundation for physical abuse begins in the mind.  For the average person, if a romantic interest approached you with a blatant verbal or physical assault early on, you’d recoil and quite likely fire back.  Most abusive people have cowardly spirits.  They can’t handle empowered responses, so they set the stage by painting themselves as sympathetic characters in the beginning.  More often than not, nothing is ever their fault.

I revisited Rihanna’s interview with Diane Sawyer and her demeanor frightened me.  I saw a person who had yet to come to terms with the fact that she had been abused.  She didn’t want to be seen as a victim.  She didn’t feel like a victim, and bristled at the word.  She obviously found blame in herself, and though she said it wasn’t her fault, her eyes told another story.  At the time, she was barely 21 years old.  She described their relationship at the time, and in particular the night of the incident as “very happy.”  A few quotes that I found notable were:

The more in love we became, the more dangerous we became for each other.  Equally as dangerous, because it was a bit of an obsession almost.

Every time I see it, the whole thing plays back in my head, so I don’t like to see it.

The minute the physical wounds go away, you put it in the back of your head and start lying to yourself subconsciously.

Even her subsequent music silently spoke of a woman (a young woman) in denial about what happened.  Even when Diane Sawyer had evidence of prior violent outbursts, her knee jerk reaction was to protect him.  She also revealed that she grew up in an abusive home.  So did Brown.  So at it’s core, you have two very young, very inexperienced people with the wealth and freedom to do whatever it was they wanted to do.  He had her mind.  She believed that she was somehow complicit in whatever transpired.  Even when her mouth acknowledged that he was wrong, her eyes read totally differently.

I have been that girl in the car.  I caught my ex husband in a lie and refused to drop it.  He punched our car’s windshield with enough force to crack it from top to bottom.  I’ve been the girl who called the stood in front of a police officer, shaking, looking at broken glass, telling him that I didn’t need battered women’s counseling.  I did this seven months AFTER I left him.  He broke into my house, I cussed him out, locked him out, and he tried to kick in my door simply because he could.  I say this, because some of you don’t realize that the pattern of abuse doesn’t magically stop when you move away.  Those mental seeds have still been planted.

Domestic violence is a very immediate monster.  You want to get over your attack and move past it.  When women are attacked, be it through sexual or physical violence, the onus falls upon them to protect themselves. The shame and derision is why so many women suffer in silence. Why didn’t you leave?  How can you, when you find yourself just as guilty?  The only reason I was able to get up and leave was because it was a decision that I knew I had to make.  Not for anyone other than me.

Rihanna didn’t have that luxury.  She had to consider every little girl and young woman who saw her, and her pictures.  She had to think of what the judge would think. She had to think of what her family would think.  In the interview, she had to think of what Diane Sawyer would think.  And that’s what she acted on.  She didn’t act on the realization that life was more.  She acted on necessity.

So of course she doesn’t harbor ill will toward him.  Of course she still loves him.  Of course she doesn’t see where the danger lies.  Abuse is more difficult for strong women than it is for anyone else.  Every other woman is the victim.  Your strength makes you the exception.  You can’t go through healing as a victim when you have not yet identified yourself as such.  Rihanna didn’t walk away.  A judge said Chris had to stay away.  That is not the same thing.  I left my ex twice.  Once by necessity.  I was back within months.  I was 23 years old.  You make mistakes at 23.  Some more grave than others, but no one is exempt.

In this situation, I am more disturbed in the lash out against Rihanna.  The name calling and sending her pictures of the police report.  That, by the way, was one of the most despicable displays I have ever seen.  Who in the fuck do you think you are, that because someone does something you don’t like, you have the right to make them relive a trauma?  Those actions do more harm than good, and serve to further isolate your loved one.  I have been the safe house.  I have watched friends and family go right back to the man who left them shaken and bloody and it broke my heart.  I could not imagine showing them a picture of their battered face every time they were with their abuser.  I don’t know how you people as strangers legitimized that disgusting act in your heads, but if you did, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Look beyond the fact that she is a star.  Look beyond whatever obligation you feel she has to you as a fan.  Look beyond her as the fodder for your fantasies.  Tap into your humanity and realize that she is not acting in either wisdom or logic.  She’s already acknowledged the self deception that comes with abuse.  That does not mean she can’t still fall victim to it.  I’m not asking you to respect her decision.  I think it is tremendously foolhardy and irresponsible to her own personal well being.  I’m just asking that you attempt to be a civilized human and recognize that she is still a victim of abuse.  If you don’t understand it, that’s fine.  It’s not your fight to understand.